The Art of Not Being a Ninja
by ShamrockNinny
Summary: Naruto doesn't want to be a ninja and the entire world of shinobi falls into disarray. Follow Naruto's adventures as he learns to be everything except a ninja. Poor Masashi Kishimoto, what's he to do with a protagonist who doesn't want to be one?
1. Bowls of Ramen, Duck Butt Hair and

**The Art of Not Being a Ninja**

* * *

Summary: Naruto doesn't want to be a ninja and the entire world of shinobi falls into disarray. Follow Naruto's adventures as he learns to be everything except a ninja. Poor Masashi Kishimoto, what's he to do with a protagonist who doesn't want to be one?

Warnings: None? No pairings as of now, possibly never... I turn into a ball of trauma when it comes to romance, too many horrible newbie experiences in fanfiction (WHY is force feeding a fetish?! SOBS!). A few borderline ribald jokes, the author's poor attempt at humor and some crazy as hell kunoichis.

* * *

Chapter 1: Bowls of Ramen, Duck Butt Hair and Orange Paint

* * *

It was a ginormous, blonde rat. Jiraiya narrowed his eyes, trying to focus despite his level of inebriation: not quite black out drunk, but nearly there. He'd just been thrown out of Konoha's one and only bar with women entertainers.

"What are you looking at, ugly?"

Jiraiya jerked back but then stared in curiosity. A large, blonde, _talking_ rat. It had bright blue eyes and was peeping out of the dumpster. It came up a little farther and Jiraiya realized that it was a big, ugly, blonde, talking _street_ rat.

"Hey!" Jiraiya said belatedly, only now recognizing the insult.

"Who're you calling ugly," he floundered, "ugly!"

The boy deadpanned him before clambering out of the dumpster.

"Oh, right, sorry, I meant ugly drunk old pervert, I got confused, anyone would what with that freaky hairdo of yours and all."

He was barefoot, in a too big t-shirt and a scrappy pair of shorts. The blonde took a couple steps toward Jiraiya before cringing back, one hand covering his nose and the other waving at the air in front of his face.

"Yuck! You smell bad old pervert."

"What?! Hey! You little brat! You're the one who just crawled out of the dumpster!"

The boy didn't appear offended, instead setting his hands on his hips and giving Jiraiya an appraising look, eyes going up and down with an air of distaste.

"What's your excuse?" The boy asked, nose crinkled up in disgust.

"FFF!" Jiraiya had steam coming from his nostrils and ears.

"I don't need to take lip from little street rats like you! Do you know who I am!? I am the great and mighty Jiraiya! You should be admiring my greatness!"

The kid pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Who cares!? Doesn't change the fact that this is my alley! So don't act like you're the one putting up with anything!"

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes. The boy folded his arms.

"I was just minding my own business, looting the dumpster when you came out, insulting me and stinking up my perfectly lovely alley with your drunk pervyness. Ah, what is the world coming to," the boy said, feigning a dramatic pose, "when a poor innocent street rat can't loot a dumpster peacefully."

His face hardened and he glared accusingly at Jiraiya again.

"It's people like you who make me sick, just plain sick; disturbing the peace of us decent folk."

Jiraiya was staring in disbelief at the kid, eyes tapered to slits.

"Ehhh," Jiraiya hissed, "ugly little rat and pretentious too."

He glared again, the effect slightly ruined by his inability to focus from how drunk he was. Abruptly, he turned to go, flipping a hand over his shoulder.

"I don't have time for brats like you."

"Wait! Hey! You owe me!" The boy yelled, racing after Jiraiya.

He leaped up, snatching onto Jiraiya's bicep. The man kept walking as if the kid weighed nothing. The boy let out a cry of frustration.

"You better pay me back old pervert!" He yelled, the man still walking.

"You can't just disturb the peace and walk away! You no good, smelly old fart!"

Jiraiya halted and drew his arm up so he was glaring once again at the kid. The boy glared back just as fiercely.

"And you'll make me pay up how?" Jiraiya challenged.

A horribly malicious glint lit up the boy's eyes and Jiraiya felt his stomach turn in fear.

"Don't make me go there, mister, you'll regret it."

Jiraiya held his gaze, judging, the two staring each other down. Finally Jiraiya shrugged, violently shaking his arm so the kid came off. He continued walking.

"You asked for it!" The boy warned.

A moment later Jiraiya found a small brunette girl in front of him, screaming.

"AHHHH! HELP! A PERVERT! A DIRTY OLD MAN!"

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes and bent forward slightly. He rubbed his eyes.

"Hey, brat, what do you think you're doing?"

It was the blonde kid from before, henged though. Jiraiya didn't get long to contemplate it as there was the ominous sound of pounding feet. Jiraiya slowly turned to see a mob of women come storming down the road. They had torches and pitchforks.

"There he is!" A woman screamed, pointing at Jiraiya.

"Get him!" Another screamed. The mob then began to advance with a war cry.

Jiraiya let out a scream and began booking it down the road, leaving a dust trail in his wake.

* * *

A half hour later found him on top of a roof, crouched low as the women below began a frighteningly thorough pervert hunt.

"Safe at last," he sighed to himself.

"Eh, pervert, you still owe me."

Jiraiya startled, scrambling away from the crouching blonde.

"Ah! You're like a little flea, once I've caught you I'll never rid myself of you!" Jiraiya moaned, dramatically imagining going through life with a giant flea that had the head of the blonde. The blonde headed flea cackled menacingly in his imagination.

"I'll never be able to be with a pretty girl again!" He wailed.

The boy stood up from his crouch, arms folded once again.

"It'll serve you right, old pervert."

"I'm not a pervert!" Jiraiya tantrumed, "respect your elders!"

"Pay up what you owe, you old dirtbag!" The boy yelled back.

Jiraiya kept crying for a few moments before he stopped and regarded the boy lugubriously.

"Fine, if it'll rid me of you."

The boy gained a smug look.

"To the ramen stand, dirty old man!" He cried, lightly jumping from the roof.

Jiraiya followed, "Stop calling me that!" He whined.

* * *

It was late and Teuchi was about to close up the shop when the cloth fwipped to the side and a dirty little boy came up, followed by a towering white haired man.

"Naruto!" Teuchi cried with a smile.

"Heya old man! I'm getting treated so as many as you can cook up!"

Teuchi smiled broadly, giving a small nod. Naruto turned to Jiraiya after hopping up on the stool.

"Don't even think of backing out, I know what you look like, and I can do a lot more than stir up the occasional mob."

Jiraiya dropped his head in depression as the boy cackled evilly. Teuchi was back, setting a bowl in front of Naruto. The boy started into it with the speed of an Olympic runner.

"Jeez kid, slow down, that's disgusting."

Naruto barely took time to throw him an evil smile and reply, "I plan on setting a record tonight, pervert."

Jiraiya was unfazed until Teuchi turned a sign around that was hanging at the back. Jiraiya went bug eyed, a little ghost rising up, the record number was twenty seven. Ah, his poor wallet. Teuchi just grinned widely. Mulishly Jiraiya ordered his own bowl and began to eat. Minutes passed and Naruto started on his fourth bowl. Jiraiya side glanced at him.

"Say, brat, where'd you learn to henge anyway?"

Naruto raised a brow in confusion, slurping noodles.

"That thing where you changed into a brunette girl," Jiraiya elaborated.

Naruto's eyes lit up with understanding.

"Oh! You mean the shapey-changey thing!"

Jiraiya's face flattened in disbelief. 'Shapey-changey?' he repeated in his head incredulously.

"I saw the animal people doing it, they looked cool so I tried it and it worked."

Jiraiya let the sentence sort out in his head. The kid must mean the ANBU, the animal masks were the only thing he could use to explain that sentence, at least logically that was. Images of weird witch animals dancing around a fire came to mind and he quickly waved it away.

"Really useful too," Naruto said around a mouthful of ramen.

Jiraiya nodded. His impromptu run had cleared his head and all the little dots were connecting in his head.

"You must want to be a ninja?"

The boy stopped eating and turned to look at him like he was crazy.

"Ninja?! You must be daft old pervert! Shinobi are disrespected tools used and thrown away as soon as they become useless. Only fools wish to be ninja, that or those who can actually gain power enough to beat the system."

Jiraiya blinked, totally taken aback. That hadn't been the answer he'd been anticipating.

"But the skill you used is a ninja skill."

"Haven't you read Aristotle? Association fallacy? Just because I share a trait doesn't mean that makes me one. You must be a baka on top of being a dirty, old, smelly, ugly, pervert."

With each word Jiraiya was pierced with an arrow, left twitching from the verbal diatribe.

"Ah," Jiraiya gasped, "the youth of today, so disrespectful."

Teuchi set the ninth bowl down. Naruto set into it like it was his first. Jiraiya despaired for his wallet.

"What else do you know, kid?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes suspiciously and stopped eating, noodles hanging from his mouth. He quickly slurped them up, glare of suspicion becoming more pronounced.

"Hey, what's with saying 'kid' all of sudden? Asking about what I know? I may not be a ninja but even I'm not going to give you my information," the boy paused and something seemed to click in his head, he scooted to the far end of his chair away from Jiraiya.

"Eh, what kind of pervert are you anyway?"

He looked Jiraiya up and down dubiously, scooting till he was at the edge of his chair.

"I'm not a pervert kid! I'm an artist who chooses the _adult_ , female figure as his muse," he sniffed, affronted, "I wouldn't expect a brat like you to appreciate the sophisticated art form I practice."

The boy seemed to accept his words and shrugged, his twelfth bowl on its way down.

"Regular pervert then, dirty, old, ugly, smelly, regular pervert."

Jiraiya was about to answer with a yell when the cloth to the ramen stand fwipped open, a moment passed.

"Naruto!?"

The blonde's head snapped up and he froze, eyes wide. Jiraiya blinked and then the kid was gone, empty ramen bowl rattling on the counter and the cloth gently fluttering back down. The man with a senbon in his mouth let out a nasty cuss word and turned on his heel. Jiraiya chuckled until Teuchi set the bill in front of him. There was a choked scream and the small spooky sound as Jiraiya gave up the ghost.

* * *

Genma Shiranui stood in front of the Hokage, half of him covered in paint and part of it in his hair, partially dry and making his hair stand on end in orange spikes. His senbon was bent and he did not look amused. An equally unamused Naruto was standing next to him, his bicep firmly in the grasp of the jonin.

"Hokage-sama," Genma managed to grit out.

Hiruzen, to his credit, hadn't started laughing, though a grin was being concealed by a well placed hand.

"Thank you Shiranui-san, you are dismissed."

The man released his hold on Naruto and began to limp out of the room, Hiruzen watched and couldn't help himself.

"It might do to shower though, Shiranui-san, you seem to have a little something in your hair."

Naruto sniggered.

"Of course, Hokage-sama," Genma said, "it hadn't occurred to me, thank you for your wisdom."

Naruto sniggered again and Hiruzen excused the passive aggressive insubordination, anyone who could apprehend Naruto deserved leeway, possibly even a medal. The door shut and the two were left alone. Hiruzen turned his gaze to the eight year old, barefoot menace.

Hiruzen let out a weary sigh, eyeing the nervous child.

"You could've graduated at the academy this year, become a ninja and put to use your skills. You have so much potential, yet you waste it."

Naruto was glaring at the ground, a grubby toe digging at nonexistent dirt.

"I've been researching fuinjutsu, eight prong seals, large chakra entities."

Hiruzen felt those piercing blue eyes on him, not accusing, just probing and a sense of betrayal shining in them which struck at Hiruzen's heart.

"How long have you known?" Hiruzen asked.

Naruto shrugged, "people have always left some 'subtle' hints."

Hiruzen winced at the tinge of bitter sarcasm in the statement and the fact that the words were founded in an unpleasant amount of truth.

"But two months ago, I got into some records Sakurai-san the librarian may have told me I was supposed to stay away from because they may have sort of been completely forbidden."

Naruto looked duly guilty; invoking the wrath of the librarian was no small thing.

"I should've expected that. Why have you refused to live in your apartment?"

Naruto shook his head, "I don't like it, the streets and trees don't have walls and I can go where I want. Besides, Mrs. Fusobi doesn't like me and I don't like Mrs. Fusobi, so win-win, right?"

It was a rather weak argument and both of them knew it. Abuse against Naruto was monitored closely, but things always slipped through, people were capable of the most covert things when pressed by circumstance. Hiruzen couldn't blame the child for preferring to roam the streets. It was unacceptable though.

Naruto managed to display extraordinary talent, capable of performing jutsus just upon observing them and the child was so artful in subterfuge and evasion that he could even lead the ANBU on wild goose chases. He also could set pranks which even the most elite jounin fell victim to. Yet the child was adamant about avoiding the shinobi life.

What was Hiruzen to do about a bright, rambunctious child who needed not only challenges equal to his skill but someone other than Hiruzen himself to act as both an authoritative and loving figure? The boy's obstinate ill-opinion of shinobi merely made the issue worse, he couldn't assign him a teacher like Ebisu, who would expect the boy to motivate himself, and expect the two to mix well, he needed someone who would want good things for Naruto more than Naruto did himself, in short, Naruto needed a parent.

Hiruzen sighed, signalling for an ANBU who appeared, dog mask in place. Unfortunately needs were not met in a village such as Konoha and Hiruzen was just going to have to make due.

* * *

Naruto sniffed the air and then scratched his butt from where he was crouched on the corner of a roof. It was nice and sunny and he was relishing in it from his perch. He was bored, and a bored Naruto was an evil Naruto.

Skipping along the roofs he made his way through the village, idly searching for something to satiate his boredom. He would go to the library and read up on jutsus and the such, but the librarian was still furious about his encroachment into areas forbidden to him, not furious about the trespass but furious that he'd been caught. He'd give it a few weeks and go back.

He stopped as the now empty Uchiha compound caught his attention. He went down once more in a lazy crouch. He'd heard about that whole thing last year. His first thought had been that the whole of the Uchiha clan had decided that they were finally going to get the metaphorical sticks up their asses removed, a mass exodus to search for a doctor to relieve their aching butts. Then he had heard about the Uchiha guy who had just randomly decided to kill the rest of his clan. Ha, as if, Naruto had caught the smell of satisfaction and relief on some ninja and also in the council. What a perfect and somehow entirely coincidental surprise for the council, they suddenly were saved the trouble of dealing with whatever problem the Uchiha posed. Perfect plan guys, because mass genocide always goes over so well. Anyway, it wasn't Naruto's problem.

He eyed the compound curiously. The place had to be full of interesting things, that and he was still trying to test the theory of ghosts. He leaned toward the thought that ghosts were a bunch of bullcrap, but you know, assume anything is possible until proven otherwise. Mind made up, he jumped down into the compound.

After going through a few houses, Naruto found himself relatively disappointed. No creepy bloodstains, no ghostly wails, not even the show of tumbled furniture or items left in their place to create a picture of time. Everything was empty, furniture covered with sheets and tagged and only a thick layer of dust covering everything. It seemed most everything had been requisitioned and shipped off or gotten rid of.

Letting out a sigh, Naruto decided to check out a few more houses and then leave, the whole process had turned out to be horribly underwhelming. Either ghosts were too lazy to do any decent haunting or they didn't exist. Maybe there was some posh Uchiha after life party where they went around congratulating each other on the size of the stick up their ass.

Naruto poked his head into the next house. He frowned, there was a kid sitting at a table, eating rice. Huh, weird thing for a ghost to be doing. Naruto stepped forward, bare feet silent against the floor.

"Why aren't you wailing?"

The boy's head snapped up and Naruto got a view of his duck butt hairdo. Poor ghost, to have died with that hairstyle, unable to change it. His parents must have hated him.

The kid's mouth dropped open and he gaped at Naruto. Naruto narrowed his eyes, once again being overwhelmingly disappointed. Ghosts sucked, or at least this one did. It wasn't living up to any of his expectations.

"You know, for a ghost, you're not that scary. Like not scary at all," Naruto said, hands on his hips.

The boy's mouth finally snapped closed and he then glared at Naruto.

"I mean you're pale and all, like really pale, so check one on the list of possible ghost attributes. Ghosts definitely have an unhealthy pallor. Can you scream? I want to test whether or not you guys have an unearthly wail," Naruto put a finger to his mouth, brow scrunching in thought.

"So I guess don't scream actually, try to give me a good wail."

"Who are you!?" The black haired kid screeched.

Naruto held his finger up, "Ah, so you guys do screech appropriately."

Naruto whipped out a little notebook and pencil and began taking notes.

"Do you have any hitodama hanging around?" Naruto looked up, pencil poised over the paper.

The black haired boy's eye twitched from where he was frozen in incredulous rage.

"I'm not a ghost you baka!" The boy screeched.

"Hmmm, interesting," Naruto said, nodding his head with intrigue, "classic denial of existence noted, this is turning out to be a very interesting session."

He scribbled a few more things in his notebook.

"So, I have to ask, what kind of ghost are you, an Onryo? A Zashiki-warashi? I lean towards Goryo for you, but it's best not to assume things. But you do seem the pansy aristocratic type."

A cup of tea came flying at him and Naruto ducked.

"Hmmm, you must be a malicious ghost, I'll need to pick up some ofuda."

Naruto tucked his notebook away and then jumped onto the table, squatting so he was up close to the boy and made to wave a hand through his head. He was surprised when his palm slapped into the ghost's cheek.

"Ah," Naruto said, hand still on the boy's cheek while a vein throbbed in the boy's head.

"I think I've made a mistake," Naruto said, grinning sheepishly and letting out a nervous chuckle.

The boy screamed, throwing his bowl of rice at Naruto. Naruto jumped away, eyes wide and hands held up in an attempt to placate the boy.

"This is all," Naruto ducked as a spoon came whizzing at him, "just a big," he let out a small scream as a table knife nearly impaled him, "misunderstanding!" Naruto yelled, jumping out of the way as the boy came at him with a flying kick.

Naruto was now crouching on the table while the boy was breathing heavily, murderous rage oozing from him.

"Come on friend, can't we come to some sort of understanding?" Naruto asked, a big nervous grin on his face.

"We are not friends!" The boy yelled.

What next ensued was a chase through the Uchiha compound, the black haired boy trying in vain to catch Naruto. Ten minutes later the boy was gasping for air while Naruto appeared tireless (so much practice from running from ANBU and others).

"So, what's your name, ghost boy?" Naruto said teasingly.

The boy glared up at him, still breathing hard.

"Uchiha Sasuke," he bit out. "Who are you!?"

"Uzumaki Naruto! Age eight, blood type A positive, plant enthusiast, current paranormal investigator, and hopeful future Master Chef!"

"You're my age," Sasuke said, eyeing Naruto with suspicious interest now that he wasn't so enraged.

"Why aren't you at the academy?" Sasuke asked.

"I could ask why you are in the academy, a place of nonsense if you ask me," Naruto said, flapping a hand, eyes crinkled shut.

"You don't want to be a ninja? They're the strongest people, they can fight anyone and defeat them."

Naruto raised a brow, lazily opening an eye to look at Sasuke, arms folded.

"Who said you had to be a ninja to be strong?"

Confusion overwhelmed the face of one Sasuke Uchiha. The next word he said was of vital importance and could be said to have changed the fate of the shinobi world, then again, in some people's opinion the choice made when picking ramen drastically affected the fate of the shinobi world.

"Explain."

Naruto grinned.

* * *

Hiruzen was apathetically perusing some paperwork filed on a lawsuit between two civilians. It was about property rights and chickens, filled with petty and horribly pointless argument. A knock came at his door. He raised his eyes, pipe clenched between his teeth.

The door opened and Iruka Umino stepped in looking haggard and frustrated.

"Hokage-sama, I needed to speak with you about something."

Hiruzen inclined his head and set the papers to the side, glad to get away from them.

"It's about Naruto."

Ah, that would explain the frustration and haggardness.

"Somehow, I don't know how, but the boy has convinced Sasuke Uchiha to quit the academy, and in his leaving nearly every single prospective kunoichi has followed."

Hiruzen blinked, oh kami no.

"Not only that, but his 'ideology'" Iruka did air quotes, "has spread and all of the less scrupulous students have stopped going as well, Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi, Kiba Inuzuka," Iruka continued.

Hiruzen lifted a hand and covered his eyes.

"You know how many clan heads I had coming into my office, enraged and dropping either subtle or not so subtle threats! Tsume Inuzuka threatened to castrate me!" Iruka's voice pitched higher at the end of it, true fear entering his face. Tsume was a crazy woman, and he didn't doubt that she would follow through with the threat. He liked his dick where it was, thank you very much.

* * *

Naruto was messing with the pot, eyeing it suspiciously.

"Say, how do you make that rice anyway?"

Sasuke raised a brow, arching it to the glowering judgement of a patrician.

"It's called cooking," the eight year old Uchiha heir said flatly.

Naruto still looked highly suspicious and edged away from the pot. Anything that didn't come out of a ninja rations pack or from an Ichiraku bowl was held to some scrutiny.

"Sit down," Sasuke ordered.

Naruto sat down and reached out to start digging into the bowl of rice Sasuke had just set on the table. He yanked his hand back as Sasuke slapped it with his metal saibashi.

"Wait."

Naruto pouted, holding his injured hand close, those long chopsticks hurt. Ever since he had met Sasuke last week, they had progressed to some strange working relationship. Both were indelibly lonely and both absolutely refused to acknowledge the fact that they were both so lonely. They insulted each other and found out through the process that they somehow enjoyed the company.

Sasuke went back to the kitchen and continued in his preparation, loading stir fry vegetables and meat onto a serving plate before carrying it back over to the table. Due to Itachi's success and status as oldest, Fugaku had been much more lenient about where and with whom Sasuke spent his time, as such Sasuke had spent a lot of his time with his mother in the kitchen. Cooking now was a way to feel close once again to those he'd lost.

Naruto let out a loud 'Itadakimasu' and set into the food at an amazing pace, stringing out loud compliments.

"This is the best ever! I didn't know vegetables could even taste good!"

Sasuke flushed with pleasure. Cooking for one, even with memories of his mother, couldn't compare to cooking for someone else and seeing how much they loved and appreciated it.

"Don't talk with your mouth open, dobe."

Naruto didn't heed the advice and continued shoveling in food while talking rapidly.

* * *

Kakashi stared in interest at the strange domestic scene playing out before him. The Uchiha and the Jinchuuriki were a strange mix no doubt, but considering their lives, it wasn't too crazy.

He turned his eyes back to his book, attention set between the boys and the words on the page. Ever since the Hokage had received Iruka Umino into his office, a slew of complaints flooded his office along with an unpleasant group of mothers and fathers. Kakashi had been called into the Hokage's office and given the task of monitoring Naruto 24/7. Kakashi didn't mind, he liked the kid, liked him outside of his already established fondness which came from Naruto's lineage. The boy was funny, and a useful ally for when Kakashi wanted any certain ninja to pay. He could remember how their awkward little relationship had started and grown.

He remembered it quite well because It had been the first time he'd been handed an assignment in-village in a while. Kakashi had eyed it blankly, the sixteen year old ignoring the weary and concerned look the Hokage surreptitiously sent his way. Once again the Hokage had tried to speak to him about his social skills, tried to encourage him to make bonds. It seemed he was done talking and was taking a more involved role.

So Kakashi had dutifully left the office to fulfill his mission.

Kakashi had been surprised to be faced with the distrustful gaze of a two year old. Emotions squeezed at his throat viciously and he had the urge to leave and find a nice corner to read and manfully keep company with his ninken (i.e. cuddle, not that he'd ever admit to that).

Then he'd awkwardly patted the kid's head, you were supposed to do that with puppies, right? The boy had smiled shyly and Kakashi had then picked him up, carrying him back to his apartment. He'd set the kid in bed and then perched on the window sill because he had no idea what to say or really do. As cool as Kakashi came off he was really just an awkward guy, confused and disturbed by people, he was far from cool.

From then on they had established a rather unique relationship, Kakashi patting his head awkwardly as he picked him up from bruises or alleyways to help him to bed, leaving presents on his birthday. They didn't speak much, but the boy seemed to be much more aware of social nuances then Kakashi was and graciously, albeit wordlessly, excused the Copy-nin's ignorance. Kakashi was alright with that.

Kakashi sighed, appreciating the memories. Now though, he was going to have to fulfill another mission involving Naruto. The Hokage had asked him to convince Naruto to start the academy. Haha… easier said than done, the boy despised the ninja way. Naruto had peeked into more than one history book and made that choice, in fact, the story of Hatake Sakumo-Kakashi's own father-, one in the official and unsealed records at the library, was one which had helped convince Naruto of his position.

But, Kakashi wasn't an ANBU operative for nothing. He could talk to Naruto tomorrow, his eyes went to the passage, he had a hundred pages left and it was at the height of a romantic encounter between Josei-san and Otoko-san. He blushed as he read Josei's sultry reply to a certain physical move Otoko had just done. Kakashi flushed, giggling. Eh, Naruto could wait.

* * *

Hiruzen was ready to beat every single clan head to death with his pipe. My little boy this, my little girl that, how could the evil Jinchuuriki do that, he made my poor little girl want to be an engineer!? Oh the horror, because an engineer was so dishonorable. Inoichi Yamanaka had been particularly annoying. Shikaku had been the only one not to come and whine about his child's sudden life decision. He'd set the task of damage control to Kakashi and was now greatly fearing his choice, the man wasn't right in the head and might just make Naruto worse. Probably six years too late for that one though.

A knock came at his door and Hiruzen sent the door a deadly glare. He managed to calm his face by the time the door swung open.

"Jiraiya?"

He was totally surprised by this impromptu visitor.

"Hey sensei!" Jiraiya waved his hand in a salute and walked toward him with a grin on his face.

"How can I help you?" Hiruzen asked, mood adjusting to a more welcome visitor.

"Actually, I was wondering about Naruto," Jiraiya said, face growing serious.

There went his good mood. Hiruzen loved the little blonde but some days he was sure he would be put in an early grave from all the problems the child started. Jiraiya read his face correctly and let out a small chuckle.

"So he's always like that?" Jiraiya said, shaking his head.

Hiruzen let out a sigh and gave a weary nod.

"Please tell me he didn't do anything else."

Jiraiya laughed again and shook his head, moving so he was sitting in a chair.

"Nothing quite like that, I was just wondering, is he in the academy?"

Hiruzen shook his head, slightly surprised by the course of the conversation but quickly seeing where it was going.

"Oh, why not?" Jiraiya asked, genuinely curious.

"I'm afraid Naruto has adamantly refused to attend due to his opinion of ninjas."

Jiraiya gave a nod and let out a hum of thought.

"Why don't I try to train him?" Jiraiya asked lightly.

Hiruzen looked in shock at his student. That was a big thing to offer. He paused a moment in thought.

"Well," Hiruzen said, taking the pipe from his mouth, "if you can get him to go with you."

* * *

So, as you can tell, borderline crack, but not quite.


	2. The Pink Death's Empire

**The Art of Not Being a Ninja**

* * *

I hope you guys like this! Horrible humor.

* * *

Chapter 2: The Pink Death's Empire

* * *

Kakashi was crouched on the window sill, staring down into the apartment.

"That's kinda creepy, you know."

Kakashi didn't move, keeping his position. Was he supposed to say something? It wasn't _that_ creepy, was it? Naruto seemed to read his mind.

"It really is creepy Inu-chan, you read too much fiction, only books about sparkling vampires make stalking people socially acceptable. Even then, ehhh," Naruto said, nose scrunching up and waving his palm horizontally.

Kakashi just stayed in the window, what was he supposed to do? Window sills were very comfortable and he found Twilight to be a very enjoyable romance series, not as good as Icha Icha-not enough action if you asked him and Bella totally should've ended up with Jacob-but good nonetheless. Naruto just sighed and shook his head wearily, raising his hands imploringly to the ceiling as if asking kami for patience for dealing with his dorky ANBU friend.

Naruto went back to arranging the books he'd just got from the library and sealing them in a scroll. Not much was safe in his apartment, at least not during the period of time where he was out and about. He knew that Mrs. Fusobi had something to do with it but he couldn't prove anything, even if he did there probably wouldn't be much done except to replace her with another equally grumpy old woman. Besides, Naruto would miss those beautiful moments when her face went between that attractive puce color and bright red which could only be attained when she came into her apartment to find everything painted a bright orange. Ahh, Naruto had such a love affair with orange paint.

"You need to join the academy," Kakashi stated, all his ANBU tact in play.

Naruto looked up suspiciously at Kakashi, pausing as he rolled up the storage scroll.

"Why?" Naruto asked bluntly.

"Because, it would be, good," Kakashi said unconvincingly, eyes darting to the side as the eight year old stared him down.

"Uh-huh, the old man put you up to this, didn't he?"

Kakashi shrugged sheepishly, pulling out his Icha Icha book, now that the mission was a failure he may as well enjoy himself until the Hokage pulled him into the office for a lecture. Somehow, even at twenty two, the Hokage managed to make him feel like a little kid. He felt Naruto's eyes on him, weighing him.

"Why don't you care if I go to the academy?"

Kakashi peered over his book at the curious gaze the boy was fixing him with.

"Maa, too much effort."

Naruto blinked, thrown off by the comment.

"Liar," the boy said, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Kakashi raised a brow and his book went down another inch so that Naruto could see his mask. They held each other's gaze for a few moments and then Kakashi was hiding behind his book again. Due to a skewed childhood where most of his social interaction was supplemented by murdering people and hanging out with dogs, Kakashi viewed people under the idea that they were either a part of his pack or someone he needed to kill. Pack puppies weren't expected to fall into pack behavior, it just happened naturally. With this logic he could surmise: Naruto was a puppy, at some point his little puppy would figure out that his place was with his pack. Dogs didn't really discuss this, it just happened. Who was Kakashi to mess with the natural order?

Naruto shook his head, Kakashi had disappeared, the man really didn't have any social tact whatsoever, entering and exiting conversations without the proper greetings. He would need to do something about that. Naruto turned back to the storage scroll and clutched it in his hand. He had promised to meet up with Sasuke today and go over katas and some very interesting jutsu theories in the books he had. Sasuke had promised in return to teach him some of the academy basics which Naruto wasn't familiar with, especially taijutsu, something Naruto was really weak in.

* * *

He sped off along the rooftops. Naruto decided on a path through the town which would avoid the Hokage's office and that general area, ever since the paint incident with Genma the senbon wielding Jonin had been looking for payback. Not that Naruto couldn't avoid him or anything, but he didn't have time for a 'Chase Naruto Through the Village' session, as much as he loved leading jonin into specially laid traps. This particular path took him by the park.

He stopped a moment, coming to a stroll as he landed on the plain dirt path that wound through a rolling piece of land located in the east side of the village. He loved the green gilding of plants and the sweet smell of the late blossoming cherry trees of early summer. A big smile came on his face and he closed his eyes, walking along the path. Crying caught his ear and he stopped. Following the noise he made his way closer to it and soon found a little pink haired girl crouched down crying. Her head was buried in her hands. Naruto paused, approached her and after a moment crouched down.

"Why are you crying?" He asked.

Brilliant green eyes peered up, angry and puffy from crying.

"Why do you care?" She asked immediately, then she viewed him for a few moments and recognition came in her eyes.

"You're that demon boy, people don't like you."

Naruto raised a brow and she drew her head down, so that only her eyes could be seen from where they were peeping from over her knees. When Naruto didn't reply or leave or even appear to get angry she continued.

"They said my forehead is too big, they don't like me 'cause I'm ugly," she mumbled out.

"That is kind of ugly looking," Naruto said.

"I'm not ugly!" She started sobbing harder.

Naruto didn't respond and began unwinding an orange bandana that was wrapped around his arm. He took it and tapped her on the head with a finger. She looked up again and he pushed her hair back, tying it with the bandana so that her whole forehead showed.

"Not so ugly now," Naruto said, leaning back on his haunches with a self-satisfied smile.

She sort of smiled back, apprehension in her gaze.

"People do that, find silly things to not like people about. You shouldn't care how big your forehead is."

She looked confused, but she had stopped crying.

"But I want to be pretty," she countered.

Naruto smiled in amusement.

"Beauty is within the subject, not the object," Naruto replied, standing up.

He offered her a hand up and she took it, standing on her feet and brushing herself off.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I kant really tell you," he snickered to himself, "it's something you'll have to learn on your own."

The he began to turn away.

"W-wait! Who are you?" She cried, stumbling after him.

Naruto turned around, a brilliant smile on his face.

"Naruto Uzumaki! Age eight, blood type A positive, bookworm, feared prankster of the Konoha village, and hopeful future underwater basket weaver!"

Sakura blinked and then smiled.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," she said, hesitated and then opened her mouth, shutting it again after a moment.

"What do you want more than anything, Sakura?" Naruto asked her.

Sakura frowned in thought, searching her mind. She then looked determinedly at the boy her age.

"I want to be strong."

Naruto eye smiled, giving her a big thumbs up.

"I think that's more beautiful than anything!"

She watched in confusion as he leaped away.

* * *

"You're late," Sasuke said, black eyes boring into Naruto, arms folded and looking highly displeased.

Naruto frowned, they really needed to do something about that Uchiha ass-stickery.

"I got-uh-lost on the road of-pineapples?" Naruto finished with a cringe, trying to remember that lame line Inu-chan threw out when he was late to stuff.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed and he let out an annoyed scoff.

"Whatever, dobe, let's get on with this."

Naruto grinned and nodded, setting the scroll down and unsealing it. A large stack of books appeared alongside a few very bent shuriken and kunai. Sasuke looked with displeasure at them.

"Those are awful, how are we supposed to train with them?"

Naruto puffed up defensively, "Hey! They aren't that bad!"

Sasuke let out a put upon sigh and shook his head.

"I have some better ones."

Naruto perked up and gathered the weapons, quickly tossing them in the trash. Sasuke deadpanned him, wondering at how quickly the boy's opinion had changed.

"Oh goody! Real weapons!" Naruto said, rubbing his hands together like a greedy business man.

He looked expectantly at the black haired boy when he didn't move.

"Sasuke? The weapons? Are we going to get them?" He prompted.

The boy just nodded his head, "Right, yeah."

Naruto frowned in worry and peered at his friend.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sasuke responded too quickly and with a little too much anger.

He met Naruto's gaze and a little guilt made it's way onto his face.

"It's just, well," Sasuke struggled with his emotions and words, "nothing."

Naruto's frown disappeared and he gave a small soft smile.

"It's okay," he reassured, grabbing Sasuke's hand, "I can go with you, when you're ready."

Sasuke smiled a trembling little smile and nodded. Naruto followed him to a room where Sasuke took in a deep breath and let go of Naruto's hand. It was a dusty weapons room, a large Uchiha fan spreading across the far wall while the others were loaded with all kinds of fun things that Naruto was already making plans for. At that time though they only collected some shuriken, senbon, and kunai and left. Sasuke was shaking as he shut the door, but his eyes were steeled and he stepped back toward the outside with a determined step.

Once outside, Naruto set up a few makeshift targets, some straw people he had made on the fly. They all had a striking resemblance to some of the ninja of the village for some strange reason. Naruto just cackled as he adjusted a pair of rimless, round sunglasses that sat on one of the boys proceeded to practice stretching first before beginning throwing practice. They switched weapons every so often and stopped to adjust each other's stances or forms. After half an hour they stopped and moved onto taijutsu.

* * *

"Gah! Why can't I do that?!" Naruto roared for the umpteenth time.

Sasuke scowled, the limited patience of an eight year old boiling over.

"Because it leaves you open, dobe! The point of taijutsu isn't to run away from your opponent! You can't just land one blow and then run away!"

Naruto folded his arms. "But what if that's the safest thing! What if it doesn't matter how strong you are, they'll always beat you!?"

"What about your friends? You'll leave them?" Sasuke countered.

"No," Naruto said grinning, "they'll run away with me. Besides, your form isn't perfect, you don't have a strong balance and it messes with the fluidity of your moves!"

They were both silent and fuming for a few moments.

"Let's just keep trying, maybe we can hang out at the chuunin training fields and see how they move, they don't go as fast as the jounin so you can watch them."

Sasuke gave a nod.

* * *

Sakura Haruno stood up after the boy left, feeling slightly confounded but overall she had a warm glow in her. Those last words, that question. She wanted to be strong. Her inner Sakura was in sync with her outer Sakura and all of the doubt and worry she had been experiencing before, was gone. She was going to be strong. Dusting herself off further and adjusting the new orange accessory in her hair, Sakura made her way out of the bushes she'd been hiding in.

She walked out, headed home.

"Hey! Forehead!" A boy yelled, his other friend smiling maliciously at her.

Sakura felt hurt bubble up and tears form in her eyes. Then what Naruto had said to her came back and anger replaced the hurt. Sakura Haruno was going to be strong, no matter what. Marching over she sucker punched the boy in the face, sending him to the ground clutching at his nose. She turned to the other boy who was staring bug-eyed at her.

"Don't call me forehead!" She yelled, proceeding to knee the boy in his groin and then kick him as he fell to the ground.

The two other eight year olds were crying on the ground, Sakura staring down at them with her hands placed on her hips.

"It's the Pink Death now! Don't forget it!" She yelled.

The boys whimpered in fear. Sakura kicked them again.

"You address me as Pink Death from now on, you losers!"

"Yes Pink Death!" "Whatever you say, Pink Death!" They both quickly gasped out.

Sakura spat to the side in an attempt to look tough.

"That's right, and don't you forget it."

She stomped away again, a fiendish smile twisting her lips up as she heard the boys scramble to their feet, running away crying. Sakura Haruno had been reborn as the Pink Death. Now, to find somewhere to become strong.

* * *

"So, how does this have anything to do with learning good skills?" Sasuke asked, eyeing his friend suspiciously.

Naruto just cackled evilly and replied, "You'll see."

Sasuke looked unconvinced but he stayed nonetheless. They were hidden under the window of one of the academy windows. The current class was filled with ten year olds and Mizuki was teaching, the grey-haired teacher who Naruto had formed a rather unsavory opinion of.

"Alright, on the count of three," Naruto said, looking through the window.

"One." Sasuke frowned, unsure it this was really the best course of action.

"Two." Sasuke took in a deep breath and readied himself.

"Three."

Mizuki said dismissal and all the students stood up. There was a huge explosion, followed by many screams of dismay as first a colossal amount of glue fell on Mizuki followed by so many feathers that it looked like a white blur in the room. Sasuke moved to go, not wanting to stick around to see what kind of trouble they were going to get into.

Naruto held him back, pointing with a manic grin at Mizuki. The air cleared and they watched as Mizuki turned, a feather covered monster who spied them as Naruto burst out laughing.

"Naruto!" Sasuke hissed, slapping a hand over Naruto's mouth much too late.

"NARUTOOOOO!" Mizuki screamed.

"Heh, heh, time to go!" Naruto said, disappearing in a flash.

Sasuke floundered for a moment, going pale as the terrifying image of a feather covered Mizuki came charging toward the window. Stupid Naruto, he thought as he ran after his friend. The chase went on, Naruto speeding through alleys, dodging through tiny spaces, all the while tugging Sasuke with him and laughing his head off like this was the whole point of living. Sasuke was terrified the entire time, rethinking this entire friendship thing.

Finally they lost Mizuki and Naruto lead them back to the Uchiha compound, still chortling. Sasuke turned on him once they got inside the house.

"I am never, ever, doing something like that again."

Sasuke turned away, going over to the kitchen to begin angry cooking.

"Ever," he emphasized.

Naruto didn't seem to hear, too busy chuckling about the image Mizuki had made.

* * *

"Hello, Naruto," Hiruzen smiled down at the eight year old.

Naruto gave a small smile back, but he seemed suspicious. They were outside, up on top of the Hokage mountain. Hiruzen, though unable to completely understand the boy did know a few things and he knew that Naruto spent large portions of his time up here.

"I hear you've made new friends."

Naruto shrugged. HIruzen sat down next to Naruto, keeping back a groan as his limbs creaked wearily.

"Sasuke Uchiha is a good boy. He needs a good friend like you."

Naruto looked wearily at Hiruzen, tired contemplative eyes looking weighed down and weary. Hiruzen held back a sigh of regret at those bright cerulean eyes. There was so much pain among the children of his village, and despite his many efforts there seemed to be so little he could do to alleviate it or prevent it. Hiruzen held his arms out, sweeping his robe to the side. Naruto took the invitation and scooted over to curl up against Hiruzen's side.

Little spindly arms wrapped around Hiruzen's middle and he felt the boy press his face against Hiruzen's side. Hiruzen then draped his robe over the child.

"I looked at the late cherry blossoms today," Naruto mumbled out.

Hiruzen smiled gently, setting a wrinkled, veined hand on Naruto's head and stroking his hair back softly.

"We are lucky to have some which have bloomed so late. They are the most precious flowers," Hiruzen said.

He wished, sometimes, that the others could see the little boy that Naruto was, that they would be able to acknowledge his brilliance, his bravery and his sweet heart. Hiruzen wished a lot of things though.

"The Sage master Jiraiya has offered you an apprenticeship," Hiruzen said.

"Who's Jiraiya? Wait, you mean that pervy old dude?" Naruto said.

Hiruzen chuckled at the apt, if rude, description of his old student.

"He's also a powerful ninja," Hiruzen chided.

"I don't want to be a ninja, besides, I wouldn't want to learn from that old weirdo even if I did," Naruto huffed.

Hiruzen let out a sigh.

"Naruto, you can't just run around the village, you either must go with Jiraiya or join the academy."

Naruto pushed away and glared at Hiruzen.

"Can't we compromise on this? I don't want to be a ninja! I don't want to be some kind of worthless tool for the rest of my life! I want to choose to be something more!"

There were tears in Naruto's eyes and Hiruzen looked sadly at the boy.

"Of course, Naruto, maybe you can attend the academy, but you won't be a ninja."

Naruto blinked in surprise before a wide smile came onto his face.

"Ah! Thanks old man! You're the best!" Naruto launched himself at Hiruzen, pulling him into a tight hug.

Suddenly he pulled back. "Wait, can my friends have that deal too? Sasuke doesn't want to be a ninja either."

Hiruzen was less comfortable accepting this. He knew Naruto, was sure of the boy's genuine intent to do good, the Uchiha child was someone he was less sure about. Itachi had planted darkness in the boy, however, Hiruzen hoped that Naruto would spread his light.

"Of course," he said with a smile.

Naruto let out a loud 'yatta' and once again tightly hugged Hiruzen.

* * *

Iruka Umino had struggled the last month, really truly struggled. Days had been filled with raging clan heads and parents while nights had been filled with nightmares of Tsume Inuzuka cackling evilly as she hunted him down to remove him of his humble but greatly treasured man parts. Luckily, the classes didn't start for real until after summer, the intermediary work done during the summer a way to get the children prepared for starting their shinobi career. It was August now, and the entire fiasco had sort of been dealt with. All the little brats who'd quit the academy had been forced back, willingly or unwillingly, and Iruka now stood in front of them ready to begin class.

The lesson went well enough, nobody died and the little pink haired girl, Sakura Haruno, claiming her name was the Pink Death, had eventually stopped punching one of the little civilian boys in the face after Iruka had to physically separate the two. Class had just let out and a certain blonde haired jinchuuriki was standing in front of him, staring him down. Up until now, Iruka had had little contact with the boy, all of his experience stemming from pranks.

"Can I help you?" Iruka asked, looking politely at his student.

Behind him stood the Uchiha child, Iruka nearly flinched under the angry steel gaze of an eight year old Uchiha. It was as if he was daring Iruka to do something just to be able to unleash his wrath.

"I was wondering, for your class, are there any auditing fees?"

Iruka blinked, then he blinked again.

"Uh? Auditing fees? Pardon me?" Iruka said.

"Yes, since we aren't attending to become ninja, I was wondering if auditing fees were in place for the tutelage."

"Ummm," Iruka scratched the back of his head, totally perplexed by this, "No? I mean, no."

Naruto smiled, "Ah, that's good, I was worried it would be slightly out of our budget. You're a gracious man Iruka-sensei, a true pioneer of the real path of education."

By this time Iruka was completely lost. What eight year old had a budget? Naruto extended a hand and Iruka dazedly took it, shaking it. What was going on? His thoughts were interrupted as three boys ran in crying, quickly followed by a pink haired menace who was brandishing her fist. Iruka shot forward, snagging the girl by the arm.

"What are you doing?!" He asked her.

The three boys were hiding behind him. The pink haired girl glared at him and then.

The world disappeared for a second, pain replacing all else. Iruka whimpered, toppling over with his hands going down to ineffectively protect his most precious area. He heard the screams of the boys and then the voice of Naruto.

"Ah, Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted, going up to the girl, stepping over the body of Iruka as if the man wasn't there.

The girl turned, a smile coming on her face as if she hadn't just defaced her sensei's manhood. Iruka was still whimpering on the floor.

"Naruto-kun!" She trilled, a big smile on her face.

"I'm beautiful now!" She said, turning to wave her fist at the boys.

One of them screamed again while the other eight year old peed his pants. Naruto smiled uneasily.

"Yeah, I can see that," he said, glancing back at Sasuke who looked terrified.

"If I could have a word Sakura-chan," Naruto said, smiling at her.

Sakura nodded enthusiastically, "Of course, Naruto-kun!"

"Now, I think that standing up is great, but if you want real strength, I mean a real Empress Suiko, your gonna have to go about this a little differently."

Sakura looked a little confused. The last week had gone great, she'd joined the academy in order to gain strength and she'd been training every day for as long as she could, so far she had the entire academy class terrified of her.

"What do you mean?"

Naruto grinned, teeth showing like a shark.

"You need some finesse, you get more flies with honey than vinegar, you can't pound everyone, you've got to gather some followers and establish yourself as a leader."

Sakura narrowed her eyes in thought. A moment later she responded.

"Alright! You can be my advisor and he can be my first minion!" Sakura said this, pointing at Sasuke.

Sasuke began to angrily protest when Sakura gave him an evil smile. The boy fell silent and paled. Iruka had finally recovered enough to move and began to slowly sit up.

"First things first, respect those stronger than you until you're strong enough to beat them to a pulp," Naruto said this, pointing to Iruka.

Iruka sweatdropped as the pink haired girl bent over, hands on her knees and short hair hanging sweetly in front of her face, what an image to conceal a devil.

"Ah, hai Naruto-kun," she said, looking at Naruto over her shoulder.

She turned her head, eyes crinkled shut with a big smile on her face.

"I'm so sorry Iruka-sensei, it seems that I accidentally hit you, can I help you up?"

Iruka sat up on his own, kindly waving the child off. Inside he was terrified, already imagining his name being carved on the memorial stone, a small ceremony describing his death by way of eight year olds. Looking up at Haruno, Uzumaki and Uchiha he was sure that there was no way he was going to survive this year.

* * *

Hinata was a sweet girl, quiet and reserved, so how she ended up in fighting ring, gracefully poised in a fighting kata, punching Kiba Inuzuka in the face, was a mystery.

"Go Hinata!"

Hinata smiled to herself as she was cheered on by every girl in class and a few boys. By a few weeks in, Sakura Haruno had established her empire and had easily recruited every girl in class. Between having Sasuke Uchiha as her poster boy, Naruto Uzumaki as her advisor and a vicious right hook to back it all up she had easily dominated. The eight year old had begun training her 'troops'. She had taken Hinata in and had been instilling her with spunk, or at least as much as the shy girl could take.

Kiba landed on his butt while Hinata stood over him in a kata she'd spent mastering over the last week, one good for basic taijutsu. It was recess and Sakura, under instruction from Naruto, had set up a training ring where classmates could test themselves against each other. Some betting had started and she had immediately snatched it up, setting Sasuke in charge of it since he was uncompromising and rather good with numbers.

"Good job, Hinata," Sakura said, clapping Hinata on the shoulder.

Hinata beamed. Sakura seized Hinata's hand and lifted it in the air, yelling victory. Kiba Inuzuka was still seeing stars.

"Rounds for this recess are over, go play!" Sakura said, dismissing the crowd of children.

Hinata ran over to Kiba, helping him to his feet and then walking off with him to go play. Meanwhile Sakura turned to her two other unofficial leaders, Naruto and Sasuke.

"So, Sakura-chan, I wanted to talk to you about some different training routines for the boys and girls."

Sakura looked in interest at Naruto. Everyone else called her Pink Death.

"Well, right now girls and boys are equal in both physical capacity and chakra stores, however, as we grow, boys will become physically more capable and have greater chakra stores, we need to start prioritizing right now for this in training. I had a few regimens I wanted us to try out and then we can see from there."

Sakura nodded, pleased with this. All three began walking

"Also, I spoke with Ino Yamanaka, she is interested in pursuing training in engineering. I recommended some books for her, but I think we should support her in it, I'm sure it will be most beneficial when we begin work on the Kyoko."

Sakura sat down under a tree, one of her minions running over and handing her three lunches. The three sat down and began eating.

"The betting has been holding up really well, we've been getting up to 3,000 yen per match."

Sakura hummed in response to Sasuke's report. The three happily ate lunch.

* * *

"Should we do something about this?"

Hiruzen took a puff of his pipe, looking sagely wise. The ninja in front of him looked worried.

"I mean, they have organized a fighting ring, which they're betting on," Asuma Sarutobi said with worry.

"That civilian girl, Haruno is fronting all of this backed by the Uchiha and the Uzumaki," Kotetsu said.

The hokage shook his head.

"They're only eight, I'm sure it's all just in fun."

Everyone smiled uneasily, right, only eight, all just for fun. Riiiight.

* * *

"Yo."

There was a pause as Naruto moved, grabbing Kakashi's hand and twisting it up, adjusting it so his two first fingers were held up in the peace sign.

"Alright, you say it," Naruto instructed, stepping back to look on with his arms crossed.

Kakashi raised his arm straight out, fingers not quite straight and looking like bunny fingers.

"Yuuuuuu," he dragged out, looking confused.

Naruto shook.

"No, it's 'yo', short and lazy like you're too bored to make a real greeting. You want to look cool, not like an idiot."

Naruto went through the motion, slouching with his one hand tucked in his pants and the other moving into a lazy peace sign while he said 'yo'.

"See? Like that, now you try."

Kakashi tried again, this time managing to catch his hand in his pocket while pulling it out and awkwardly fumbling for a little bit. Naruto face palmed.

"Again," he ordered.

Kakashi went through the motions, doing them right but appearing stiff and unnatural. Naruto shook his head.

"Again," he commanded.

Kakashi did it again. Naruto had him repeat it again, again and again. It was a while later and finally he got it down.

"Maaa, koinu-chan, why do I have to do this?" Kakashi whined.

Naruto shook his head.

"You'll see, try it out and it'll make all the difference. You're getting old enough that people are starting to think that your silent exits and entrances are creepy rather than cool."

Kakashi slouched, looking grumpy.

"Just try it Inu-chan," Naruto prompted.

Kakashi let out a huff of air.

"Fine."

* * *

"WAAAAHHH! My Eternal Rival! You Are So Cooooool!" Maito Gai yelled.

Kakashi turned, giving a lazy shrug like Naruto had advised. He grinned under his mask like a dork as he heard the coos of some of the kunoichi and the cries of 'so cool'.

* * *

Second chapter of complete and total crack done. Please leave a review, read and follow. Until next chapter!


	3. Waging the War on Attraction

**The Art of Not Being a Ninja**

* * *

A/N: I finally update! I apologize for the time you've had to wait for this, if any have waited that is.

No warnings, just a silly amount of crack and advanced vernacular for children.

* * *

Chapter 3: Waging the War on Attraction

* * *

"Girls and Boys!"

Everyone turned to look at Sakura. The pinkette was perched on a desk. It was recess but it was raining outside and everyone had stayed inside.

"I need to speak with you about a danger which threatens our very existence."

Sakura was flanked by Naruto and Sasuke, both with folded arms and sitting on the desk she was standing on.

"We are threatened by something which has been described to me as a 'crush'."

There were some gasps throughout the room. Choji looked extremely troubled. One girl even fainted.

"Yes, the time has approached for us to be faced by this evil. Even I have been afflicted. None of us are safe from this horrible malady," Sakura paused, looking somberly at her classmates.

"Do not fear, we can fight it and support each other so as not to be undermined by this weakness. We will and we can overcome this."

Sakura paused again to survey the crowd of eight year olds, watching them measure her words and tone.

"As such, I expect all of you to ask for help if you experience any of the symptoms of a crush and to report it to me so that the proper support can be given to those who need it. It is noted that the female population is particularly susceptible. We will let nothing stop us though, I rely on your loyalty and honesty to see us through this crisis."

Sakura gave a nod and climbed down from the table. The room burst out in harried conversation, the topic of crushes heading most of it. Sakura gave a sidelong glance at Sasuke. This had all started about a week ago when she had noticed Sasuke in a way that made her stomach very uncomfortable. People said butterflies, but she would describe it as a coordinated attack by rhopalocera done with malicious intent. A heinous crime indeed.

Her first thought had been that it was some sort of subversive genjutsu attack done by the black haired boy, so she had punched him, a lot. Naruto had eventually intervened, not wanting to deal with first degree murder and the loss of his first friend to death and his other friend to the justice system. A long talk had ensued, a battle plan laid out, and the enemy keenly analyzed. Sakura had been shocked to learn that there weren't just simple crushes but an entire classification system. The lowest graded being the butterfly inducing crush, the highest graded being the compromising state of twitterpation. Worse was the fact that everyone was culpable and everyone a possible victim of the vicious disease.

With narrowed eyes, Sakura looked across her gabbing group of followers.

"How will we know? Where will we look? In what ways can we guard against this malady? These questions sore afflict me, Naruto-kun," Sakura said in a somber voice, small fingers stroking her chin in a thoughtful manner.

"Hai, Sakura-chan, we can only prepare for the worst and be ever vigilant," Naruto replied in an affected manner of dramatics, standing with his arms folded.

Sasuke just nodded, his head still raised in bumps from the previous assault of a certain pink haired girl. Crushes were truly dangerous.

* * *

Shikaku stared blankly for a few moments, not quite believing what he was seeing. He blinked, the tea in his hand completely forgotten. Shikamaru Nara was working, actually, genuinely working. No motivation, no bribe, no threat, no pan raised by a terrifying had evoked this sudden and terrifyingly confusing act.

He watched for a few more moments as Shikamaru went from stretching katas to practicing chakra control. The boy's brow was beaded in sweat. No one was out there making him do it though. Shikaku's tea began to dribble a little, pouring steam hot liquid onto his pants. He let out a curse word, hastily setting the tea down and batting at his pants.

"Watch your mouth, honey." The reprimand was anything but sweet, Yoshino was threatening possible castration and Shikaku had not doubt that his wife would go through with it if he didn't fall in line.

"And don't spill your tea, you're lazy enough as it is."

Shikaku glanced at his wife, bowing his head apologetically, gaze still drawn to the bizarre behavior of his son. Yoshino followed his gaze and a small smile came on her face.

"He's working so hard, isn't it wonderful?" Her smile faded and a glower came onto it.

"I was worried he was going to end up like you," she said with a glare directed at Shikaku.

He shrank under her terrifying look.

"Wonder what caused the change," she mused before pouring Shikaku more tea and moving back toward the kitchen.

Shikaku couldn't help but wonder the same thing.

* * *

"You have two choices Nara," a toneless voice said menacingly.

"You can either join the Pink Death or, you can not join the Pink Death."

Shikamaru frowned in confusion at the undertone of not good things that the voice of one Sasuke Uchiha was suggesting if he did something contrary to joining the Pink Death. Black eyes surveyed Shikamaru, flaying him with the certainty of the not good things happening very soon in his soon to be not long future.

"So, Nara, what's your choice?"

Shikamaru shivered, there was no option. The catch-22 was obvious.

"Guess pink's my color?" Shikamaru said nervously, feeling notably nauseous.

A small, evil grin crept onto Sasuke's face and Shikamaru shuddered.

In the end, Shikamaru ended up in his garden going through physical exertion and now sporting a phobia of the color pink. It was rhodophobia, he'd looked it up, somehow that didn't make anything better.

* * *

"What's your favorite food, Naruto-kun?" Sakura said sweetly, skipping between the blonde headed jinchuuriki and the quiet Uchiha.

"Oh, Sakura-chan! I'm so glad you asked! The food I worship so fully is divine; an ambrosia which was designed by a most benevolent god. It is the purpose and meaning of life, and without it, we would be lost to the throes of war and desolation. Ramen, my most effulgent Sakura-chan, is this said food."

Sakura gave a thoughtful nod, not really paying attention, she'd zoned out starting at 'ambrosia' and 'benevolent'. Sasuke however was all ears.

"I have never taken this perspective when considering ramen, you make a compelling case, Naruto-kun," Sasuke responded.

"However," Sasuke continued, halting before they began to make their way to Ichiraku's, "I disagree."

Naruto narrowed his eyes while Sakura looked around lazily.

"Ramen is neither necessary for finding the rudimentary purpose of existence, nor for establishing and maintaining peace. Also, one must first make the argument for or against the existence of a god before claiming that this possibly non-existent figure can lay claim to the creation of ramen, especially as I have strong evidence which links ramen to being a Japanese food derived from a Chinese dish called lamian. I do not perceive the Chinese as gods."

He paused before continuing, "Also, ramen sucks, and it's super unhealthy. So, yeah," Sasuke finished lamely, folding his arms.

Naruto's features were pulled into a visage of absolute horror while Sakura looked mildly bored, gazing off to the side. Naruto made a choked, screaming sound before pitching to the side as if Sasuke had killed him. Sakura wasn't paying attention to any of it, still looking around for a place to eat. Sasuke sweat-dropped before crouching down to poke his friend on the cheek.

Tears were streaming down Naruto's cheeks and he was in the fetal position. Sasuke narrowed his gaze as Naruto didn't respond to the poke. He poked him in the cheek again, a thoughtful expression on his face. Naruto was whimpering, ignoring his friend. Sasuke poked him again.

"C'mon, let's go!" The pinkette's voice sounded out.

Sakura seized both boys by their ears, pulling them in the direction of the Akimichi Barbeque House.

"I'm hungry and I don't have time to sit around and watch you two argue about philosophy, if I wanted to do that I'd go hang out with homeless college graduates who figured out that a Bachelor's in philosophy was worse than getting a degree in English."

The boys yelped in pain as she forced them through the doorway and into the seats of a booth. Finally she let go and they both rubbed at their ears sullenly. Sakura just sent them a cool, sharp toothed smile which had both of them shrinking down in fear. She began to order.

* * *

"I love you Himari! I love you!"

Himari turned, eyes glistening with unshed tears of utter and complete emotional catharsis.

"Oh, Choji!" She cried, swooning into the waiting eight year old's arms.

"I love you baby," Choji cried back, "It's wrong and forbidden, but I don't care, I love you! I love you! I love you!"

"Oh, Choji!" Himari cried, a hand fluttering vapidly at her brow.

"I'll give you all my sweets!" Choji said, tears flowing from his eyes as he struggled through the deep and complicated feelings of devotion and love that only an eight year old can experience.

"I'll give you all my toys!" He cried next.

Himari stayed in her swooning position, staring tragically to the side, she glanced at Choji and jerked her head for him to continue. Choji seemed to lose steam.

"Uh, I'll give you a million roses!" He cried.

Himari let out a soft annoyed sigh, staring to the side with a look of sardonic annoyance.

"Ummm," Choji lost his momentum, "I'll give you all diamonds in the world?"

By now Himari was crossing her arms from her swooned position and had fixed a flat gaze on Choji. He sweat-dropped as he struggled to come up with something.

"Sunflowers?" He hazarded a guess.

She shook her head, making a hand motion.

"Uh, you want a guillotine instead?"

Her deadpan increased intensity. She waved to him and he leaned so his ear was next to her mouth. She whispered a few words. Choji's smile came back and they resumed the dramatic position of swooner and swoonee.

"I'll give you Sasuke Uchiha's street address and favorite food!" He cried passionately.

Himari threw her hand back up, attempting to pant romantically.

"Oh, Choji!"

* * *

Kakashi was perfecting his fan art at the moment, studiously working his drawing of Josei into a living breathing masterpiece. He frowned, okay, maybe it needed work. Stick figures weren't quite a Picasso (or were they?). Kakashi clucked his tongue, this art thing wasn't really working out. But he needed some outlet for all of his fanboy emotions! How could he express his highly developed argument on Josei's boob size or tell the world of his belief that Otaku's scar was really an inch and a half, not an inch and three quarters (he'd done some sizing on the front cover pictures, mapping out in exact numbers the scale of the drawings). These things needed expression!

Kakashi sniffed tragically. He just wasn't cut out to be the ultimate fanboy, he had limited drawing skills and was a little scared of the Icha Icha convention world. Why did life have to curse him with unnaturally good looks and the ability to kill an entire army? All he had wanted was the ability to live out his life as a fanboy. Ah, cruel fate. Maybe he could ask Naruto for help, the boy was sure to have some kind of advice.

Now properly depressed Kakashi grabbed his favorite Icha Icha book and flipped to his favorite passage. He needed some comfort right now and the chapter on Josei's underwear was the perfect balm to soothe his aching soul. With another exaggerated sniff, Kakashi snuggled down on his couch and set into the passage where the lace was described in full detail along with other anatomical parts of the female body.

* * *

"What's a betting pool?" Sasuke deadpanned, looking horribly unconvincing in his attempted feigning of innocence.

Asuma stared down at the boy, a little put off by the unpleasant look on the child's face. Somehow the boy managed to look like a disapproving old woman who was willing to cut your throat if you disagreed with her.

"Betting pools are illegal in most cases, I hope you are aware of that," Asuma said, hoping that would ease out some sort of confession.

Despite the hokage's insistence that all of this was just a bunch of silly childhood games and that kids would be kids, Asuma had been paying attention and 900,000 yen was too big a number to just be a kids' game.

"Oh, that's dreadful," Sasuke said in monotone, the look on his face unchanging, "I hope a betting pool never happens in Konoha. We wouldn't want any non-law abiding individuals poisoning the minds of the children."

Asuma raised a brow. The boy just kept glaring at him. It was unnerving. A few moments passed.

"You're such a smart adult," Sasuke then said rather unconvincingly, as if he was reassuring Asuma of his youth.

Asuma frowned in confusion.

"I must go frolic now, like the other children," Sasuke said, then the boy abruptly turned and walked away.

Asuma watched him go, trying to understand what had just happened.

* * *

"One word, Fanfiction."

Kakashi blinked, what was fanfiction? Naruto had his arms folded and looked very confident in himself.

"Look it up, you'll see."

Those were his only words of explanation. Kakashi frowned. Fanfiction? He would try it out, besides, it's not like it would consume his entire existence or anything.

* * *

"Kakashi hasn't shown up for work in a while, do you think he's sick?"

Anko shrugged at the jounin's question.

"Don't know, don't care," she said, throwing back some illicit workplace sake.

* * *

Back at his house Kakashi was posed over his computer, fingers flying. He cackled like a mad scientist, lightning flashing in the background. His creation was alive! Alive! He'd gotten his first followers and someone had reviewed. He'd been at the computer for days.

This power, it was intoxicating, exhilarating, all consuming! Kakashi was addicted, he would never stop! NEVER!

* * *

Sakura frowned, pretty face marred by those deeply penetrating lines of displeasure. Whatever the eight year old was whispering in her ear was not making her happy. The child finished and pulled away, looking in slight trepidation at her all powerful overlord. Sakura nodded her head, gaze troubled.

"Thank you Nana, your loyalty is noted and shall be rewarded accordingly."

"O-oh, thank you Sakura-chan!" The girl replied, bowing multiple times before running off.

Sakura watched her go, a look of subtle anger straightening her features to a threatening sharpness. Someone was going to be unhappy very soon.

Sakura moved away from the playground, a hidden gesture making Sasuke drop like a shadow from the tree he was hiding in and Naruto step away from the students he was instructing in prank maneuvers. They fell in beside her as she made her way toward the classroom building. With a quick pulse of chakra, the three climbed up the building and landed on the roof.

They'd been practicing and had gotten much better at their stealth and chakra control. The boys turned to face Sakura once they were situated on the roof.

"We've been compromised, one of our own has fallen into disgrace, tricked by fickle emotions."

Both the boys became very serious.

"Who?" Sasuke asked, voice bitingly sharp.

"Akimichi Choji."

There was a pause and Sakura unfolded her arms and grabbed a kunai from her pocket.

"You know what to do, boys."

They both nodded and hopped from the roof.

* * *

The last few weeks had been deceivingly quiet and Iruka had mistakenly assumed that this was the end of the terrifying shenanigans of the Pink Death and her posse. It was in fact, the calm before the storm.

Currently he was grading some written assignments. Surprisingly they were all quite high, over all way higher than what usually came through the academy. The usual way stuff happened was that most were mediocre or awful and a select few were advanced or beyond. He had a niggling sense of dread that Haruno, Uchiha, and Uzumaki were to thank for this. They were surprisingly rigorous in their studies and extended this standard to any who were involved in their gang of followers.

In fact, most of the papers he were correcting required little red ink. He might wrap up early today and get home before his back cramped up. Stretching, Iruka massaged his neck, turning his head so he saw out the window.

He blinked languidly, how nice, the children were preparing to burn one of the other children, Iruka looked down at the papers preparing to continue grading. He froze as his mind struggled to catch up with what it'd seen. The children were preparing to burn one of the other children. Iruka whipped his head to the side, eyes bugging out as he looked out the window. He cursed, flying from his chair.

He emerged outside, racing toward the center of the playground/training area where Sakura Haruno had a scroll in hand and was standing ceremonially as a crowd of children surrounded her and a makeshift pyre.

Iruka stomped over to her.

"What are you doing!?"

The girl peered cooly up at him, completely unfazed, scroll in one hand, feet together and standing stiffly straight.

"I am glad you're here, Umino sensei, it's about to begin."

Oh hell no! Iruka thought, he was not going to be that one teacher who let his student's burn another student.

"No, no it is not, we're not going to begin anything!" Iruka started.

"I'm afraid your interference is unwarranted Umino sensei, it's already begun."

Iruka watched in horror as Naruto and Sasuke dragged Choji's body over to the pyre. They'd killed him, they'd already killed him. Iruka's mind short circuited, he was surrounded by children of the corn.

Sakura watched in feline fascination as Umino Iruka went very pale and promptly passed out.

"Hmmm, he must not be feeling well," Sasuke murmured with vicious glee.

Naruto was frowning, "That's the second time this year, he must have a weak constitution."

"Go get a doctor Ishi," Sakura said, addressing a kid in the crowd.

The girl sighed, stomping off to get a doctor, she was going to miss out on the burning.

Sakura let out a soft 'tsk' and stepped over Iruka's prone form.

"Let's begin, shall we?"

The crowd stirred a little. Sakura opened the scroll and began to read,

"Choji Akimichi, you stand accused of treason, passing on the personal information of your peer and the betrayal of those you call comrade, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Choji didn't reply, completely limp as if he was comatose from an overwhelming pain and fear.

"Your punishment is the destruction of all your snacks for the next week."

At this Choji let out a strangled whimper.

"Proceed," Sakura said, gesturing to a group of students.

They moved forward, throwing snacks onto the pyre before lighting it up.

"Love is a fickle thing Akimichi and your enemy will use it as a weapon. Our emotions are our weakness as much as they our are strength. Be careful with who you give it to and why. In future battles giving the precious information of your comrade could lead to their death and many others."

Sakura surveyed the crowd, eyes hard and steely.

"Everyone remember this, because mistakes now will not be so costly as mistakes in our future careers."

Just like that, everyone dispersed, leaving a shuddering Choji on the ground, the only wound the loss of his prized food.

* * *

Iruka woke up sometime later, blinking as he tried to recall what had happened. It came back and he sat straight up, looking around. Everything was as it should be, not even a burn mark on the ground. Iruka shuddered, maybe it had all been a bad dream. His thoughts were dashed as Ishi, a little girl in his class, came up along with a medical nin.

"You are injured, Umino-san?" The nin asked.

Iruka turned beet red with embarrassment.

"I, I just, well," Iruka stuttered, unwilling to admit that he had fainted.

"Aww! I missed it!" Ishi said, glaring at Iruka before running off.

He watched her go, still baffled as to what had happened.

"But, a student, they were going to burn them and there was a fire and-" Iruka stopped short as the medic nin gave him a worrying look.

"I mean, I'm fine, I just took a nap."

The medic nin raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Iruka just chuckled, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"If that will be all," the medic nin said waspishly, irritated at having wasted their time.

Iruka smiled weakly at them. They just turned and left. Standing Iruka looked around, completely spooked. He made his way back to the classroom to continue grading, confused and worried.

* * *

It gets a tad serious at the end. But the fact that they are training children to be killers from the time they are six or eight is a heavy thought, I despise even the thought of an adult preparing themselves to kill, let alone a child. The rest, I'm afraid to say, is crack, pure unadulterated crack.


End file.
